What percent are you right now?

Ok, so due to the high demand of explanations lately, I bring to you … The Awkward Percent Scale, complete with enlightening details.

The Awkwardness Scale (ps. I love that the word “Awkward” is in fact, itself, … awkward. I mean come on now, “wkw”? how is that not weird? But I digress) … The Awkwardness Scale was designed as a method of instant situational communication.

We’ve all been there. Someone says something or does something (maybe its you). Muscles tighten for a brief second before eyes widen and purposefully scan for a new focal point, body positions change. Were they being weird on purpose? Did you not get their sense of humor? Did their deepest, darkest passion just tickle its way out? Do you play it off? Do you pretend you didn’t hear it? Are you suppose to laugh? What’s the deal? You need the scale.

Being honest and alerting the surrounding masses to your exact percent of awkwardness can do one of 2 things for you … 1) alleviate tension by politely informing the other party(ies) of your emotional state for the well-being of all, or 2) just make things a whole lot more awkward… either way.

So the Awkward Scale operates on a 0 to 100% basis … a pie chart if you will.
0%: obviously no awkwardness whatsoever… ever;
100%: very awkward, very awkward

Now, I maintain that the average person levels off at about a 6% at any given time. Even in the most comfortable of all situations you still have to account for general self-esteem issues and the like (lets take Melvin for example; “My left arm is 7 inches longer than my right arm.” – now that’s just awkwardness that you are going to encounter no matter what the situation is)

Ok. So.

6-49% Awkward: purely information. You are actually performing a service to those around you by keeping them informed of your “awkward pH,” if you will. This is the preemptive stage folks.

50-85% Awkward: anything above 50 requires some action to be made – one might change the topic of discussion, decide to take a drink so that if nothing else that little cup might act as some sort of barrier between you and your conversation partner(s), stealthily bring a friend into the conversation and then weasel your way out… you get the point.

86-100% Awkward: LEAVE. RIGHT NOW. This bracket automatically requires someone to leave the room. Most likely this will end up being yourself … but that’s ok too because more than likely you had to go to the bathroom anyway.

So are we now all clear on this guy? He really is a useful tool. I advocate his use. It’s often helpful to simply ask someone, “So, what percent are you right now?” or take it upon yourself to warn someone else of your percent. I mean lets face it; sometimes you just need to tell someone that they’re peculiar and you’re uncomfortable … and what a tasteful way to accomplish that task!